Recovering Life #2- Soul friends over Facebook friends!

 

The joy of reconnecting is upon us.  Precious reunions with family and friends are here.  We’ve been distanced too long.  So, we say an unfond farewell to the loss of company and the isolation of Covid’s prolonged restrictions and harsh lockdowns.  None of us do too well on our own for too long.  

 

The time of distancing from friends and family was, however, accompanied by a moving towards neighbours.  As many were at home more and exercising close to their house there was a chance to connect more with those beside us.  For our own house it was a real encouragement in a tough time to be with families around us and to know the freshness of getting to know people more.

Social distancing was a familiar and well founded reality in our lives before the phrase emerged with Covid.  We are divided from our closest neighbours- living separate lives fenced in our own gardens, closed behind our own doors, locked to our own screens.  For a while covid interuppted the hurry from the front door to the car to the commute long enough to permit human interaction and conversation.  Maybe we even learned one another’s names!

Being connected to others is made possible by the social media accessible to us at the touch of the button on devices carried on our person at all times.  So we can connect instantly and widely with many friends.  All with the gratification of not only knowing you’re valued, but being able to put a number on it.  Seemingly instant affirmation… which so quickly can turn to obsessively insecure posturing.  Are these my real friends? Can I really share the real me?  

We’ve been feeling our distance before Covid arrived. The loneliness epidemic predates the coronavirus pandemic.  Those who are well on in years and have become distant and disconnected from family who have moved away may feel isolated.  Yet loneliness is increasing more in 18-34s than any other age group.  In figures from a similar age-group in USA in 2018 54% said they “always or sometimes feel like no-one knows us well.”  Jefferson Bethke suggests this is because of the Hustle culture meaning we are moving too fast to get to know each other deeply.  

I’ve been living in Ireland’s sunny South-East for over 11 years now. I’ve been living at a distance from family and from close friends who understand me and are familiar with the real me.  Whilst I’ve known the welcome and warmth of a community who is friendly, yet at times I have felt isolated, as it seems not so many really want to make friends.  I’ve also worked alongside families who’ve moved to this country and lived here for significant stretches of time, yet have really struggled to make close friends.  Deep friendships are hard to find. 

In pre-Christian Celtic Ireland a soul friend was known as your anam cara.  Someone who you could trust with your deepest secrets and who would stick by you over a lifetime.  You shared a deep connection.  As Christianity developed in Ireland the choosing of a priest to whom you would confess your sins was less determined by professional qualifications and more by being an anam cara.  They would hear the depths of your darkest sin and shame and not judge or walk away. 

The qualities of such deep friendship are described in the biblical wisdom book of Proverbs. 

A friend loves at all times, 

and a brother is born for a time of adversity. 17.17

One who has unreliable friends (or many acquaintances) soon comes to ruin,

but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. 18.24

Wounds from a friend can be trusted,

but an enemy multiplies kisses. 27.6

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart,

and the pleasantness of a friend

springs from their heartfelt advice. 27.9

A friend whose love is constant, close, gives heartfelt advice and is unafraid to speak hard words for our own good is to be prized.  They can be trusted.  

In his time on earth Jesus spent much of his time pouring into the lives of a small group he called friends. His greatest act of love would be to lay down his life for his friends.  He called them this because he had confided in them and shared openly what God had given him.  

In fact Jesus was known as the ‘friend of sinners’.  Those who were ‘socially distanced’ and living with sin and shame felt comfortable and at ease with him.  They could draw near to him.  He was their friend. Such friendship is extended to us still, as Dane Ortlund writes, 

“In Jesus Christ we are given a friend 

who will always enjoy rather than refuse our presence.”

It may surprise you today to think of churches, who follow in the way of Jesus, to be places which offer deep friendship.  For some the church today is regarded as unsafe due to abuse and cruelty towards the most vulnerable in the past.  Others may regard Christian teaching on sexuality, marriage or gender to be divisive or even dangerous.  What change might be brought by people who are sincere and steadfast in their concern for others, who are close enough to listen and share words of comfort or challenge?  Such people are good friends.  They are safe people, worthy of trust.  

 

The dominant picture in the New Testament scriptures of the loving church community is of a family of brothers and sisters.  At the end of the letter of 3 John we find such love described differently. 

¹⁴ I hope to see you soon, and we will talk face to face.

Peace to you. The friends here send their greetings. 

Greet the friends there by name.

The church are described as friends.  Those who love each other and lay down their lives for friends- just as Jesus did.  They greet one another by name- a sign of being known personally and suggestive of a smallness in which people are recognised and cared for. There is a warm desire for meeting again face to face, overcoming social distance.  

Such deep friendships are precious enough to slow down and savour.  It takes time to build such trust and closeness.  Maybe even more costly, it takes a vulnerability to share precious hopes and fears and to allow another to come close.  For myself, as I reflect, I recognise it’s easier to hide myself away in work- which valuable as it may be is only a way of maintaining a safe distance.  

With such friendships: 

In a world that is often skimming the surface- we might be known deeply.  

In a culture where we fear being swept away by busyness- here we have trusted voices who are not afraid to speak hard words when we’re losing our way and tender ones when we’ve fallen.  

In an unknown and turbulent world- here we put down roots in the wind and rain.  

As we reconnect again after a time apart, 

hear the invite to prize and pursue 

a few soul friends over many facebook ones.   

To ask, not “How many friends do I have,’ 

but rather, “How deep are my friendships?